I could give you a nice update about my family and what our kids have been doing. I could write about my daily activities about fall coming or about the soup I’ve been dying to make. But the honest truth of it is I have been having an incredibly hard time with life. Fall brings lots of changes. Changes in the colors of the earth, changes in the weather and temperature, start of school. But in the last few years fall also has brought feelings of discouragement for me. Hopelessness is sometimes overwhelming.
Depression is something that effects way too many people. In Christian circles if you say your feeling hopeless or you are feeling discouraged we are led to believe we must not be praying enough, close enough to God or doing the right things to feel better. For many years I didn’t recognize that the reason I was so discouraged was because I actually have an imbalance in my brain. Depression is something that effects a lot people and they don’t even realize, but even worse than that is if they do know something is wrong they are scared of the judgment of those around them. Their friends and family say look at that girl over there that is not close enough to God to get her satisfaction from Him and she needs medication to “cope” with life. Maybe they don’t verbalize it but I have received backlash from family for taking a medication to help me through a rough time. So you keep your feelings quiet and slowly you begin to loose sight of who you actually are. You are told to pick up your boot straps and keep going. This happened to me. I believe I have struggled with these feelings for years.
In 2010 my dad died from cancer. Our first child W was 1 1\2 and I was expecting our second child D. The weekend he died, A had his first seizure out of many that would come. I didn’t realize then the effects of his death and , A’s sickness would have on me for 8 years to come. Maybe I even have some post traumatic stress disorder.
After A’s first seizure he didn’t have another one for over a year. We had our second son D and he was around 8 months when the seizures began again. A starting having a grand mal seizure as soon as we lied down and he began falling asleep. I called 911 and he was coming around by the time the ambulance had come. His parents came to stay with our little ones and I followed the ambulance with his father in their van. We had no idea what would come but I knew these were seizures. I tried to be strong and we were released from the hospital only to have him have another seizure the next morning. Before the day was over he had 2 more seizures and he was admitted to the hospital for monitoring. He had 3 days of this seizure episode’s. When we returned home I was the caregiver for two small children and a worn out husband. A seizure like that causes extreme tiredness and achy muscles because of the electric shock running through your body. I did what I needed to to meet my families needs. My mom came to help me and our world began to go back to normal. But I still didn’t realize the impact of pushing my needs aside to care for my family was having.
After going through this nightmare, we met with a neurologist who basically laughed at our questions. He prescribed a very old drug to control seizures. I didn’t know the side effects of A being on a very strong drug would have on our family. I also had no clue what side effects he would face and we would face as a family. A began to be agitated very easily and we began fighting more regularly. We switch neurologists and he prescribed a more up to date drug. But the side effects were the same. Extreme forgetfulness, agitation, anger outburst, he forgot so much he forgot some very important events one summer.
We discovered a natural doctor who told A to go on a gluten free diet. So with 1 and 3 year old boys and a husband who was still sick I started to change our diet to gluten free. I had no idea when I lied down on the pillow if I would wake up to that awful sound of a seizure. I began to totally change the way I was cooking and feeding my family. And instead of taking time for myself I continued to take care of my family. Doing what I thought was expected of me.
At times I felt so alone and that I had no one to look to. I spent years asking many different women to be my mentor trying to get help with the feelings I was having. I tried to God my way through it. I thought I just wasn’t trying hard enough or being godly enough. I knew something was wrong deep inside me but I couldn’t get it to be better.
We were expecting again and I was extremely overwhelmed. I kept having babies and caring for everyone and everything and nothing helped me. At the time the next round of seizures came we had 3 little boys we had gone through the worst time in our marriage since we were married and A started having another round of seizures. This time we didn’t go to the hospital. I knew the best way to deal with a seizure was let them sleep it off. The doctor didn’t do much at the er anyway and we called our neurologist the next day. (Dsclaimer – Seizures can be deadly if they go for very long the person can loose consciencness so I would recommend a doctor if you think someone is having seizure activity. I knew what A’s were like and he never stopped breathing. ) At this point I don’t remember how many he had during that round but I do know he was down for a week or so.
A few people reached out to us during these times and helped us cope at the moment when it was happening. I am so thankful for the help that was given to us and I don’t want anyone to think that it was unappreciated. I was dying inside and no matter what anyone did to help during the intense hardship we faced I was still dying. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. Meals and encouraging notes are so sweet during those hard time.
When the notes stop coming the hurt and suffering is still there. Or for me it was the fear of my husband starting to have a seizure when I had just fallen asleep.
Thankfully A became well enough he weaned himself off the seizure meds and he has been seizure free for 4 years. We had our 4th and last baby (little girl J). But life turned tough and last year we experienced the hardest year in our marriage. I was out of control with my emotions and I felt like I needed to be calm for my family and nothing was helping that I was trying. I went to the doctor and was prescribed a very small dose of Prozac. It helped me to stay calm in my house that was out of control. I took some flack from family members but I was sure I was only going to take it for a few months to get through a tough part in our marriage so one of us was calm. I did wean off of it with no bad effects.
Then in February my mom died from a heart attack suddenly. It is only now this week the depression has hit me again and as I’m writing this I realize more and more I do have PTSD. I can’t God my way out of this. I’m not ungodly or Luke warm. There’s not a spiritual problem. Its a problem in my brain from trauma in my life. If you have ever experienced someone having a grand mal seizure you would understand the traumatic experience that this is. But not only that, I’ve lost two parents in eight years and almost went through a separation in my marriage.
If you have feelings like this please don’t listen to the voices telling you that you must not be godly enough or that you don’t pray enough. Go to your doctor or see a counselor and get help.
God bless you all and know I love you and so does God and you can get through this. Sometimes you have to take care of yourself first. Like the airplane, put on your own gas mask first and then assist those around you. If you don’t take care of yourself first eventually you won’t know who yourself is.
Signing off, still finding myself.
From one woman to another,
Jenny Wren