You just sit. You don’t feel like moving, you know you have plenty to get done but your emotions are so overwhelming you can’t even move. I’ve had this debilitating emotional pain many times over the years. I sit in my chair wailing. I am in the deep dark place and I feel this overwhelming loneliness. I began to look deep inside to see why it may be there. I realized then the grief has never been grieved for. The years have flown by without a pause of grief. without a pause to mourn for the lost in my life. Life just keeps moving. In other cultures grief is something that is sat upon and lived in for awhile. They dress in their death garb and do their death dances with their drumming and such. I never lived in such a culture. But in western society grief is something that is whizzed by. We have our memorial service, our burial and then you just go back and continue in your life with out a time of linger in that grief.
I never lived in that grief I didn’t do my death dance. I never wallowed in my sorrow and sat there for any amount of time. I went right into being a care giver for my husband and family. I put my own feelings and hurts aside to be there for my husband and kids. That’s what being a good mom is right? Being a good mommy is being healthy for your family. So whether I’m depressed or still grieving I need to be healthy for them again.
Your physical Health is connected to emotion. I for so long have been awed by God creating such an intricate design in the human body. Each part is uniquely woven together and works well together. This week I’ve been so exhausted. I found out last week that I am deficient in vitamin d. But not only that but I have several other deficiencies that cause feelings of depression and tiredness.
When I found this out, one of my friends went to work trying to get me back to normal. I’ve now received several supplements that should help me feel better. In the mean time I am trying to enlist more help from the children and A and simplifying life.
But its OK to take a step back and stop. Its OK to care for yourself and figure out what works for your family. Its OK to throw in a frozen pizza and call that supper.
Healing doesn’t happen over night and sometimes I wish I could just have God point his finger on me and make me well again. Make the debilitating emotion go away and get better. So I pray and I lean into Jesus so he leans into me.
Signing off from one woman to another
Jenny Wren