5 am, I hear my oldest come into my room. “Mommy we are going to be late for school.” They had to be there early this particular morning. At 6:50 instead of 8. “Buddy come lay with mommy we don’t have to be there for a long time and my alarm hasn’t even gone off yet.” I roll over and try to get a few more minutes of sleep. He and my other three boys were very excited to get to school. They were going on a field trip that day.
I roll out of bed when my second son comes in at 5:15 and asks mommy aren’t you getting up. Thankfully we don’t have to bring lunches this morning or worry about having homework finished. The night before I was up a little too late just trying to relax from a normal day in my life. I like the quiet after the kids go to sleep and sometimes get too caught up in it. I stay up too late too often just trying to avoid the next day with my early risers. At 5:30 my 4 year old daughter comes in and I say to her “your up to my sweetie?” I had hoped that I could just roll her out of bed at the last minute and put her in the car half asleep. There was way too much excitement that morning. The night before we had the conversation “Mommy you need to make sure we are on time tomorrow” “Oh really buddy? Who helps to make sure we are on time? It all depends on you guys doing as your told, when your told”
We get into the car and I pull out of the garage, 6:11 the clock says. “Oh good we are going to be early” I think. When our oldest was in kindergarten I started homeschooling him. He did pretty well but after 2 years of that, along with many other trials we were facing I couldn’t do it anymore so we sent them to our local public school. My second son was in kindergarten at that point. We had a pretty terrible year at the school. It seemed the bullies liked to pick on my kids and it was hard to get through each day. Many nights were spent with my kids crying before bed. During that year we decided we wanted to send them to our local Christian school, but that would mean me driving the kids to and from school every day. It was 25 minutes one way to the town the school was in. We decided to let our kids have a Christian education with a one room school house feel. We started attending their school last year and fell in love with it and the teachers. The kids learn tons of scripture, they are loved on by the teachers and they are thriving in their academics. This year my 3rd son started kindergarten. So each morning I drive 25 minutes to drop them off and 25 minutes back to pick them up. It is totally worth it for how much we love this school.
Being a single mom for a year is challenging by itself. I am so thankful that this isn’t a permanent situation. Though there may be more finality to something permanent. But I am definitely not facing life without my husband. You girls out there facing a life time of single parenting are very strong. I am so thankful that I know this won’t last forever. With children waking me up early and some nights they wake up through the nights it takes a toll on me. Sometimes I am surrounded by many people and much activity but loneliness overwhelms me. Last night was one of those nights. I had two days of kids waking up early. I thought since they had been up at 5 the day before they might take the day off of school and sleep a lot later. That was not happening. They were all up by 6:30 again.
So last night, I sit on my bed and just start missing my companion. I miss talking to another adult. I miss having someone to sleep next to me. I miss having someone to share the happenings of the day. So the tears flow, and the hurt and anger comes back. As I travel this journey, there will be many days that the hurt and anger comes back and I will have to deal with it again. So I write. I write in my journal and tell God. This sucks. While on one hand God has done and is doing a great work in my life and I totally trust him with this trial and through this trial. This trial is hard. I am surrounded by chaos most of the time. Screaming children. Children throwing there needs at me. Mommy I need a snack, mommy my head hurts, mommy my leg hurts, mommy I have this homework, mommy I need this or that. But I feel empty at times.
Satan likes to take those moments and make us feel isolated and sorry for ourselves. He thrives on us being lonely so he can attack us and make us have feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and self-pity. So what do I do in those moments? I have an arsenal of truth ready to fire at Satan. Am I still counting it Joy? Not really joyful at this moment. So where does my help come from? It comes from the Lord. I turn on my playlist, I pick up my bible and start reading the psalms. I take out my journal and start writing. I pour out my hurt and my heart. Then I climb into bed and turn on my prayer meditation. It tells me who is in control, That I don’t have to worry and I fall asleep with my greatest companion next to me, holding me close. I fall asleep with my God!
If you feel alone, lonely, isolated, inadequate, or jealous, this is exactly where Satan wants you. I want you to know you are not alone. Life can totally get you down. It can get you down and stomp on you until you can’t breath anymore and your so beat down from life you don’t feel like you can go on. You are not alone. Can you imagine the isolation Christ felt on the cross? Abandoned by his best friends, murdered by followers and turned away from by his own father. He hung there because of love, because we are worth more than his life. WOW!!! If it feels like all humans have turned their backs on you, Jesus hasn’t, he never will. And in fact I know there is someone out there that just doesn’t know how to help. I think most people just don’t know what to do to help someone in need and if we just reach out and say “Hey I need this” they will step up and totally fulfill those needs. Please if you need anything please, leave me a comment and I will help you. I never want someone to feel invisible. I have definitely had many times that I have felt that way and no one should feel that way. Please take the step to reach out to me. You are loved and you are seen by God!
Jenny Wren